The Fear of Letting Go Page 4

“Are they?” I ask. “Making an effort, I mean?”

  She shrugs. “They think they are.”

  I roll my eyes and take another sip of coffee. I made it really strong, and it tastes delicious. “One of these days, you really ought to tell your mother exactly what you think of her.”

  Leigh Anne laughs. “I don't think she'd really hear me, even if I did.”

  “Doesn't mean you shouldn't say it. For yourself, if not for her,” I say.

  She nods and puts her hand in mine. “You're pretty smart, you know that?”

  I shake my head and throw my cigarette to the ground. “I've been feeling pretty stupid lately, to tell you the truth.”

  “I don't supposed that feeling has anything to do with a certain someone you were seen slow dancing with last weekend at the bar?”

  I cringe and drop my head into my hands. Small towns are the worst. “What, did Knox tell you about that?”

  “He told me the two of you were getting awfully cozy there for a while. He said for a minute there, he thought you guys might even leave together.”

  I take a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs until it almost hurts to keep holding it in. “Would you hate me if I told you I thought about?” No use lying to Leigh Anne about my feelings. In fact, if there's anyone who could convince me to stay far away from Preston, it's the woman sitting next to me. She knows what it's like to have your heart crushed by him.

  “I could never hate you,” she says.

  “I should never have entertained the idea. Not for a second. Especially knowing how he treated you. Besides, I would never date a friend's ex. I don't know what I was thinking.”

  “You were thinking he's the hottest guy in town. Or, I think that's how you put it once upon a time.” She bumps my shoulder and laughs. My cheeks are probably beet red. “There are a lot of amazing things about Preston. He's kind of hard to resist. Believe me, I've been there.”

  My stomach aches.

  “He asked me out,” I say softly. I pick at the week-old red nail polish on my short nails, watching as one big flake drops to the pavement.

  “I'm not surprised,” she says. “I have to admit, I've seen the way he looks at you, sometimes. I kind of knew this was coming.”

  I swallow and sit up. “What do you mean?”

  She shrugs. “I don't know. Just sometimes, when we're all together, I'll look over and catch him staring at you, the hint of a smile on his face and something much more serious in his eyes. He likes you, Jenna. I just haven't been able to tell if it was more of a romance thing or a sex thing. Until Knox told me about last weekend, I didn't think you were even interested.”

  I shake my head. “I didn't think I was, either,” I say. “How long have you been noticing this?”

  “Since before Christmas,” she says. “Before he broke things off with Bailey.”

  “But he's been going on all these dates with other girls,” I say. “If he likes me, why didn't he ask me out sooner?”

  “Probably because of me,” she says. “Or because you're always taking him down a peg. Maybe he's been afraid to ask you out.”

  I laugh.

  Leigh Anne gets quiet, and I know what's coming. I'm tempted to head her off at the pass and change the subject before she gets a chance to say anything, but part of me needs to hear what she's going to say.

  “What did you tell him?”

  My stomach knots up. “I told him no. He isn't the type of guy I'm going to end up with, and you and I both know it,” I say. “And fooling around with a guy like that would only lead to trouble. So, what's the point?”

  “But you like him?”

  I want this conversation to be over. I should have left that damned bar last weekend when Leigh Anne did. I never would have had the memory of his touch on my bare skin.

  “I don't know what I feel,” I say. “Everything I think and feel about him is tied up with what family he comes from and what he's done to my friends. How am I supposed to wade through all that crap to find the truth?”

  She laughs. “I guess the only way to wade through it is to strip all that other junk away and see if there's anything left.”

  “And how do I do that?”

  “If you think there's something there between you, maybe you should give him a chance,” she says. “Get to know him a little better, and see if there's something more between the two of you that doesn't involve his past or his money.”

  I turn to look at her, shocked. “You can't seriously be telling me you think I should go out with him? What about the way he treated you back in high school?”

  This was the last thing I expected her to suggest, and I'm not sure I can wrap my head around it.

  “He made a mistake. He broke my heart. I'm over it,” she says. “If he hadn't cheated on me back then, maybe I would never have met Knox. It's impossible to turn back time and try to figure out the what-ifs. All we can know for certain is that where we are right now, in this very moment, is a result of the exact path we took on the way here. One small change and everything might be different. Yes, there are things I wish had never happened, but at the same time, I can't imagine life without Knox. I have to believe it all happens for a reason and that somehow, I'm right where I'm meant to be.”

  I shake my head and step down from the picnic table. “Now look who's the smart one,” I say with a smile.

  “I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about forgiveness,” she says. “Holding on to pain is a tough thing. Sometimes holding on to it is worse than what caused it in the first place. With Preston, we were just kids. Yes, he cheated on me, but I know in my heart he didn't do it to hurt me. He just wasn't thinking about me at all. And I know he regrets it now, anyway. What's the use in holding on to that kind of pain? There simply isn't room for it.”

  There are tears in her eyes, and I know she's thinking about Burke. That's one bastard none of us will ever forgive, and what he did to her caused the kind of pain she might never be able to let go of. Not completely.

  I have no idea what to say to her to make it better, so I take her hand and pull her into a hug.

  We hold each other for a long moment before she pulls away and wipes a few stRob tears from her cheek. “All I'm saying is, I think Preston's a good guy at heart,” she says. “And I really want you to be happy. I'm not saying this to be judgmental at all, but a string of one-night-stands can only make you happy for so long.”

  “For one night, to be exact,” I say with an exaggerated wink.

  Leigh Anne giggles and shoves me backward. “You know what I mean.”

  “I do,” I say. “But long term relationships scare the crap out of me. Especially when it comes to rich dudes who have been known to cheat. Trust me on this one.”

  She narrows her eyes at me. “I hate it when you say stuff like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Make some vague reference to your past when you have no intention of sharing the whole story,” she says. “One of these days, I'm going to beat it out of you.”

  “Are you ladies going to stand out here all day gabbing? Or do you think you might be able to find the time to come set up my restaurant before the guests get here?” Maria says. She doesn't stay to hear our answer.

  “We'll talk later,” Leigh Anne says. “I just wanted you to know that I would be okay with it if you wanted to go out with Preston.”

  “Thanks,” I say. “But I plan on staying far away from him.”

  “Famous last words,” she says.

  “Dun dun dun,” I add.

  We're laughing as we pull open the back door to Brantley's and head inside for our shift.

  Chapter Seven

  Preston

  A sleek black truck pulls into the parking lot of the marina and a bunch of people pile out of the back. Two guys grab a blue cooler and head my way. Three girls I recognize from school follow closely behind, and a friend of mine from high school climbs out of the driver's seat. He waves up at me as he leads the group ont
o the boat.

  “Preston, my man,” he says, lifting his hand and slapping it into mine. He claps me on the back just a little too hard. “What's up? Thanks for the invite. Wouldn't be spring break without the traditional Wright blow-out.”

  “Hey, Aidan,” I say.

  He moves past me and quickly introduces the other five as they come on board. They are all students at Fairhope Coastal who decided to stick around for the break, but I haven't seen them at one of my parties before. One of the girls, Mandie, winks when I shake her hand. She's wearing a pair of very short cut-off jean shorts and a red bikini top that is about three sizes too small. She crosses in front of one of her other friends to stand beside me, her bare skin brushing against my arm.

  I take a step to the side.

  “For those of you who haven't been here before, the whole place is fair game except for the state rooms on the lower floor,” I say. “Those are family suites and off-limits for now. Oh, and keys?”

  Aidan nods and reaches in his pocket for the keys to his truck. He slaps them into my hand, and I toss them into a bowl on the railing behind me. It's my main rule of partying on my family's yacht. If you're going to drink, you're not going to drive.

  “Have fun,” I say. “Wilson is mixing drinks at the bar on the main deck. Just follow the sound of the music.”

  I hired a local DJ to play some music, and I wouldn't doubt if you could hear it all the way to the public beach from here.

  The group heads toward the front of the boat, but Mandie hangs back.

  “You coming?”

  “In a minute,” I say. I've been playing the good host, welcoming people onto the boat, but the truth is I'm just standing up here hoping I'll see Jenna's old truck pull into the parking lot. I sent her a few texts reminding her about the party, but she hasn't responded. I know she won't show, but I can't help but want to see her.

  “I've been looking forward to this all week,” Mandie says. She maneuvers so close to me, I have to force myself not to move away. I'm already dangerously close to the edge of the ship. “Your parties are legendary.”

  I force a smile. This is a game I'm used to, and while I have been known to enjoy it in the past, today I'm having a hard time pretending to care.

  Mandie doesn't seem to notice. “If you have some time, I'd love a private tour of those rooms you were talking about downstairs,” she says, one eyebrow raised. She actually licks her lips.

  “I'll keep that in mind,” I say, almost laughing as Mandie presses her breasts against my arm. Maybe Jenna was right all along. Maybe these parties are kind of lame and predictable. I grab the bowl of keys and hand them to Mandie. “Think you can do me a huge favor?”

  She smiles. “Anything for you,” she says.

  “Make sure no one drives home if they've been drinking.”

  I turn and start walking down the steps toward the dock.

  “Wait,” she calls. “Where are you going?”

  I smile and turn back toward her. “I have something I need to do,” I say. “Go get a drink. Have some fun. I'll be back later.”

  But I have no intention of coming back.

  **

  If she won't come to me, I'll go to her. I grab a six-pack of beer from the gas station on the corner and drive over to Jenna's apartment complex, my heart racing.

  As I climb the stairs to her apartment, my hands grow sweaty around the cardboard handle. This seemed like a good idea ten minutes ago, but now I'm nervous as hell. What if she's ignoring my texts because she genuinely doesn't want to spend time with me? As much of an asshole as it makes me sound, I've never had to chase a girl I liked before. I am usually the one being chased.

  I take a deep breath and knock on her door.

  No one answers, so I knock again, disappointment hanging heavy in my stomach.

  After the third knock, a door opens, but not Jenna's. Leigh Anne walks out of the apartment two doors down and stops cold. I had completely forgotten they lived so close to each other.

  I clear my throat, my cheeks warm. I feel like a child who's been caught doing something naughty.

  “Preston?” she asks, suppressing a smile. She glances at Jenna's door and then her eyes dip to the beer in my hand. “What are you doing here? I thought you had your big party today?”

  “I did,” I say. I run a hand through my hair. I can't think of any good excuse for why I'm standing here that doesn't make it obvious how hard I'm crushing on Jenna. I don't say anything.

  “Jenna's not home,” she says. “She's pulling a double shift today at Brantley's. She probably won't get off until close to midnight. Want me to tell her you stopped by?”

  “Sure,” I say. I shuffle my feet, and lift the beer up. “Guess I'll just go home and drink this alone, then.”

  “What happened to the party?”

  “It's still going,” I say. “I just didn't feel like being there anymore.”

  She tilts her head to the side, her eyes narrowed. “Wait, you left your annual spring break blowout yacht party, the one you once called ‘epic', to come to Jenna's apartment and drink a six-pack of beer?”

  I wish she would just drop it because with every word, I feel more and more like an idiot.

  “Wow, you've got it so much worse than I imagined.” She smiles and leans against the railing.

  I sigh. Leigh Anne always could see straight through me. “The truth is, I was standing there watching a replay of the same party I've had for the past three years,” I say. “Only this time, my two best friends are at their house getting ready for their new baby to arrive, and suddenly it didn't seem as fun as it used to be.”

  She waits, as if she already knows there's more to it than that.

  “And yes, okay, I can't stop thinking about Jenna. It feels weird talking to you about it, though, considering our history.” This whole situation is just awkward as hell.

  “It is a little weird, isn't it?” she says, wrinkling her nose. “But I'm not blind, Preston. I've known you had a thing for her since Christmas.”

  My eyes snap to hers. “You have?”

  She shrugs. “I'm more observant than I used to be. Especially when it comes to my ex-boyfriend having a thing for my best friend.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head. Damn. “I know, I'm sorry. I really—”

  “Wait,” she says, stopping me. “Before you say anything else, I think it's important to get this out. When I left town, there was definitely this feeling things weren't finished between us,” she says. “You hurt me, but when I first came home last summer, it seemed like you still had some feelings for me.”

  “We're being totally honest?” I ask.

  She nods. “I don't see any reason to hold back now.”

  “Yeah, I definitely still had feelings for you,” I say, my throat constricting. “I probably always will in some way, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you with Knox. I'm glad you guys found each other.”

  “I know,” she says. “I want you to be happy, too.”

  My heart feels tight, like someone is squeezing me from the inside. “After I found out what happened to you in Boston, I spent a lot of time thinking about how things might have been different if I hadn't cheated on you. If you'd never left.”

  A sad smile plays on her lips. “I just had a similar conversation with Jenna,” she says.

  “You did?” I'm almost scared to hear more.

  “You can't blame yourself for what happened,” she says. “Burke Redfield is the only one who's responsible for what he did to me, Preston. I know you guys all just want to be there for me and try to go back and fix whatever might have gone wrong, but what's done is done. All we can do now is try to move on with our lives and make the most of it. Besides, if I had stayed and we'd worked things out between us, do you think we'd really be happy?”

  “I imagine I'd be ring shopping right about now,” I say. Wasn't that how I'd always imagined it? Proposing the summer before our senior year in college?

 
“And then we'd be planning a wedding, living out our lives exactly the way our parents always wanted,” she says. “Never once really considering whether it was what we wanted or not.” She touches my hand. “Don't let it eat you up, Preston. Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. You deserve to be happy just as much as I do.”

  I nod. I know she's happy with Knox and that she wouldn't trade that for anything, it just sucks she had to go through what she did to get here.

  “And yes, it's weird to think about another one of my best friends dating you,” she says with a laugh. “But this is different. I think you guys might be perfect for each other. If you cheat on her, or hurt her in any way, though, I will come after you.”

  “Understood,” I say, lifting my hands in surrender.

  She squeezes my arm and walks past me.

  I watch her get about half-way down the stairs before I call out to her. “Leigh Anne?”

  “Yes?” she spins, holding on to the railing.

  “Do you think I even have a shot with her?”

  She glances over my shoulder at Jenna's door and smiles. “She's giving you a hard time, huh?”

  To say the least. “Maybe she's not interested,” I say. “I'm not used to having to fight so hard.”

  “Keep fighting,” she says. She starts back down the stairs and at the very bottom, she looks back up at me. “Oh, and Preston? There's a party tomorrow night out at Knox's. It's a small little get-together. Just a few friends. Penny will be there, and so will Jenna. You know, if you want to swing by.”

  I smile and bite the inside of my lip. “Thanks, Leigh,” I say.

  “No problem,” she says. “But if Jenna asks, I have no idea how you found out about it.”

  I laugh and watch as she gets into her car and drives away.

  Chapter Eight

  Jenna

  I down the rest of my hotdog and fold my paper plate into a nice little airplane. I send it sailing toward the fire, watching the paper shrivel up and flash a brilliant white before it turns to ash.

  It's just chilly enough outside tonight for a bonfire, and I'm sad knowing it will probably be the last one until Fall. The realization that it may be my last one with this group forever only amplifies the sadness. Where will I be after graduation? It's on my mind entirely too much lately, and I wish I had an answer.